If you’re wondering about the title of this essay, it’s a nod to one of my favorite movies of last year, “tick, tick…Boom!” In case you didn’t catch it, it’s a biographical musical film (based on the stage musical of the same name) about the late Jonathan Larson and his attempts to work his way into theater. The movie is incredible for many reasons (not the least among them Andrew Garfield’s sensational performance as Jonathan Larson, which I could go on and on about), but I think one of the reasons the movie stuck with me so much is the premise itself.
The main character, Jonathan, feels so much pressure to succeed in theater by the time he turns 30. From the very first song, ‘30/90’ you can feel the tension that surrounds him. He has been working for so long toward his dream, and the tick…tick…tick sound he hears gets louder and louder as he approaches his 30th birthday. I enjoyed the entire movie, but the song I kept coming back to time and again was 30/90. I’ll be turning 30 years old in 2023, not 1990, and as much as things have changed around that milestone birthday, many of the same fears and triggers exist.
To be honest, I’ve never understood the weight that surrounded turning 30. It was too confusing to figure out, let alone feel the pressure. I understand milestone birthdays and the significance of entering a new decade of life. But this idea that I had to “have it all figured out” by 30 was always tricky for me. What was I figuring out?
There were things I figured out that felt very cut-and-dry about what to achieve by 30 years old: finding a good job, a nice place to live, meeting someone and falling in love, having kids and building a life together. I did want all those things, but the younger version of me wasn’t interested in the general goals; I needed specifics. What did I really need to figure out? What did I really need to have done by then? Give me the list, please.
As a kid, getting older felt like something to be afraid of - getting older is scary, it’s hard and you should avoid it at all costs. But lately, I’ve seen more people posting on social media and being more open about milestone birthdays, from people in their 30s to people in their 60s and 70s. And I’ve learned so much from them. I’ve learned that our age is an important milestone for our relationship with ourselves. The person I am now, at 29, is someone I enjoy so much more than the person I was at 19, at 23, at 27. I wouldn’t say I’m a different person than I was then; I’m just more comfortable being who I am and doing what I like - something I found impossible as a young adult.
It’s also possible that I want to look forward more than I want to look back at this point in time. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder at 19 years old and as you can imagine, navigating a newly diagnosed mental illness during some of your most formative years doesn’t always go smoothly. I’m trying to understand depression and an anxiety disorder, while also trying to finish college? And then find a job and establish some sense of a life in the adult world? No thanks.
My decisions in those days make so much more sense when I look back on them. From driving across the country to start a new life (I moved back home within a few months) to planning to teach English in a foreign country for almost two years (both of those adventures will probably need their own posts, lol), I was desperate to be somewhere different, somewhere new, for most of my adult life. And right as I was finding a rhythm and beginning to be content with where I was, it was March 2020. And here we are.
I know many things have changed in the past few years, but I had to stop and think for a minute if I’ve changed. And what’s hard to remember (and easy to forget) is that we’re all constantly changing. If I think about my 20s and reflect on the things I love to do and am passionate about now, I’m surprised at the amount of things I’ve picked up in recent years. I’ve always had hobbies and interest, but the things I love have become more specific in recent years. I’ve able to name what I love, and explain why I love it. It’s a new feeling I enjoy, but it’s also very confusing.
That being said — what are some of the things I love? Here’s a brief list of things I love/am passionate about: jigsaw puzzles, coffee/tea, sitcoms, independent movies, live music and live theatre, Southampton FC, my city (shoutout to DC) and all the fun, interesting (sometimes not-so-interesting) things that go on here, My Brain’s Not Broken, running, chess, vinyl music…the list could go on and on. That was all to say that if I had to make this same list in my early 20s (or even just a few years ago), it would look like this: movies, reading, sports, writing and music. And no offense to my younger self, but that man sounds bland and uninteresting. Couple that list with my introverted personality and the mental health challenges I was facing, and it’s no wonder I didn’t enjoy my 20s the way other folks might have.
That’s why, in future posts, I’m hoping to share more links to things I love. Whether it’s a show I’m binging or a book that’s rocked my world, I want to show some love to the things I enjoy and give some shine to them (be on the lookout for more in my next post!).
So yes, I definitely have some feelings about turning 30. I have some idea of what I want to do and who I want to be, but I’m not as stressed about it in the same way. was at 19 years old. There’s a confidence I have about this decade that didn’t exist before. Even though I might not always know where my path leads, I know I’m equipped to find my way. I have a better sense of who I am, what I like and what I’m about. I’m excited at the chance to grow into myself even more, and keep on working to become the person I’m meant to be. There will be ups and downs, but that’s all part of the journey, and to quote the song that inspired this post to begin with, “what can you do?”