I’d like to start by acknowledging the elephant in the room — if you’re reading this, you haven’t received an email from this Substack in almost a year. Okay. That’s out of the way. And on we move.
As with most people, a lot has happened in the last year of my life. Lots of big decisions were made (hello, home ownership), and changes occurred (I turned 30, which was a little anti-climactic to be honest). But one of the reasons I’m writing this post is because something else has been creeping in more and more in recent months: anxiety. While anxiety is nothing new to me, the way in which it’s crept back into my life is something that’s been both frustrating and surprising. Frustrating because, even though I know it’s not right to think so, I want to believe I’m beyond my anxiety (spoiler: that’s not a good way to think). Surprising because, even after a decade of experiencing anxiety, it still shows up in ways I haven’t seen before. And as much as I wish it didn’t, this bugs me.
Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but the ways we interact with the world around us has changed drastically in recent years. News is non-stop, content is all around us, and it follows us from the minute we wake up to the moment we go to sleep. I’m sure I’m not the first person to point this out, but I am desperate at finding a way to manage the impact this has on me. I want to learn how I can manage my mental health in today’s world, one that is different than what I thought I’d be growing into, and one that seems to be changing every day.
This will come as no surprise, but I have a tendency to over think. I wish I could read something, watch something, or hear something, and then return to the task at hand. And while I’ve improved at doing so, it’s still a challenge. In thinking about what’s going on around me and how we got here, I usually end up quoting a famous Jeff Goldblum line from Jurassic Park:
Simply put: Why? Why did this person do what they did, or say what they said? And why do I need to hear about it? And when all this happens, day after day, where do I turn? What do I do?
Sometimes, I simply lie down. I take a deep breath. I vent to my patient and ever-loving partner, trying to get all my feelings out so they don’t carry over into the days and weeks ahead. Sometimes, because this energy has been the dominant force all day long, I just go to bed. And even though I’m not a mental health professional, I can tell that something isn’t quite right with this way of living.
It’s within this environment that I’ve noticed my anxiety increase. I know I’m prone to anxiety attacks and panic attacks, but the threshold feels much lower these days. I mix up confusion with a lack of confidence, and act on the impression that everyone knows what’s going on but me. This puts me in situations where I feel like I’m lost and confused, putting one foot in front of the other until I sleep, wake up, and do it all over again.
But I didn’t come back to this space to impact some doom and gloom. I don’t know why it ends up happening but when I’m going through a difficult spell of anxiety, my negativity can flow like water. And that’s what’s frustrating about anxiety, and mental health challenges in general: it can make you think that one part of your day, or one instance of something, is your entire life. There’s actually a lot going on in my life that I’m excited about and looking forward to. I’ve been more active in seeing my friends and family, and am proud to see the impact my work has had in my day job. But when I fall into the trap of anxiety, I view things through that lens, which distorts my thinking and the way my life is going.
In writing this post, I found a lovely quote from Maya Angelou:
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
We are not merely meant to survive; we are meant to thrive. But what this quote recognizes is that how we do things can be just as important — or even more important — than doing them at all. And it’s possible that in that pursuit of thriving, we find our own ways of doing things. Our own way of living. And if that way of living is rooted in compassion, humor and our own style, how you can go wrong?
Posting on social media has become particularly difficult (albeit impossible) for me in recent months, but I still find myself wanting an outlet to express myself. So I hope to return to writing this newsletter soon rather than later, because I see it as a possible avenue to have my own style, to share my thoughts and how I’m doing my best not merely to survive, but to thrive. It’ll be a learning process, and I’m looking forward to what (and how) I’ll learn in the attempt. But to wrap up this post with one more quote…
Easier said than done, Yoda.